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Spunky chick completes total prick's toy wishlist

Morris Greene

Adam Pratt, 26, a vain, self-centred, Narcissistic, completely detestable super-cockhead business consultant, successfully completed the 'toy wishlist' he wrote 18 months ago when his entirely superficial, self-obsessed, bulimic girlfriend of five months, Hannah Nichols, 23, signed a contract allowing Pratt exclusive access to her mouth, breasts, vagina, and anus for the next five years.

'This is almost as good as getting the Beemer,' the smug, self-satisfied Pratt told reporters from his 'good-end of Chapel St' office yesterday. 'But I've worked pretty damned hard as a consultant and blue-skying client concepts for the last six months. I think four weeks in Venice fucking Hannah's body might let off a bit of steam for the Prattster.'

Pratt's 'toy wishlist' included: 'a A BMW M5, a Bang & Olufson stereo system for each room of his St Kilda apartment, two jet-skis, a Sony PlayStation 3, a personal trainer, a signed and framed poster of himself, Melbourne's largest collection of Saba knitwear, and a great-looking chick to fuck in Italy.'

'Adam Pratt gets what Adam Pratt wants,' Adam Pratt told reporters. 'Adam Pratt saw Hannah, wanted Hannah, took Hannah. It's an attitude I try to encourage with the pathetic losers I meet everyday. If you want something, use your network to make sure it's yours. I saw Hannah in an issue of Vogue. I rang my friend who owns the magazine, he made some calls and that night [Pratt and Nichols] were having dinner at Flower Drum. Easy as that. One hour after dinner I was banging her in my apartment.'

Nichols, who is studying to become Pratt's  Personal Assistant, has no qualms about her contract and says that she hopes the contract can be extended.

'He's great,' she said. 'He lies to me, ignores me socially, patronises me, uses me for my body... Plus he's great-looking and has fantastic abs. He's the perfect man for a no self-esteem basket case girl like me. I'm reeling him in.'

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Hardy Boys to make painful return to site of Smuggler's Cove molestation

Thyagarajaran Somasanduram

Former teenage detectives. Frank and Joe Hardy aka 'The Hardy Boys', have taken the advice of a world-renowned psychotherapist and announced their plan to return to Smuggler's Cove - the site of the brothers' much speculated-upon 1963 molestation.

The residual pain felt by the brothers since the little-discussed Smuggler's Cove-based mystery, "The Case of the Inserted Finger", came to the fore recently when Joe Hardy, now 49, broke down in tears on American television when asked about the events surrounding the boys' three-day disappearance at Smuggler's Cove, just seven miles from the Hardy's Bayport home.

Following the public breakdown, Joe Hardy's longtime companion, Chet Morton, 50, encouraged the younger of the Hardy brothers to seek the help of celebrity psychotherapist, Dr Andi Angelico.

At Dr Angelico's request, the estranged brothers then met for the first time in 16 years at the Hardy family's Bayport home to discuss the Smuggler's Cove incident.

After a snack of cheese sandwiches and a glass of milk prepared by the brothers' Aunt Gertrude, 85, the Hardy Boys faced a slew of reporters on the front porch where they told of their intention to return to Smuggler's Cove in order to "achieve a much-needed sense of closure".

Looking drawn and gaunt, Frank Hardy, 50, kept eye contact to a minimum as he mumbled and cleared his throat in response to reporters' questions regarding the events of June 3 to June 5, 1963.

"I remember we were helping Dad [well-known Bayport private detective, Fenton Hardy] investigate some drug-running gang operating in Bayport," a clearly anxious and agitated Frank told reporters.

"Jeez we were like 15 and 16 years-old. What did that old bastard have us chasing down drug-runners for? It's ridiculous."

"Anyhow me and Joe, and I guess Chet [Morton], and maybe Biff [Hooper] took the Sleuth out on the bay on account of Dad thinking we could, you know, smash the drug cartel."

"You know these days I'm like, 'Smash the drug cartel with what exactly, Dad? Our goddamn little BB guns, Dad? Our slingshots, Dad? Oh wait, wait... Yeah... maybe our tight little assholes, Dad? Huh? Huh?'"

Joe Hardy then silenced his brother with a hand on the arm.

"When we were kids we had a lot of freedom," Joe told reporters.

"We could pretty much just say, 'Mom, Dad we're just little kids, but we're taking a goddamn powerboat out on the bay at midnight because we heard from our goddamn father that there might be pirates out there'."

Frank Hardy then cut his brother off.

"But he never said nuthin' about them being goddamn trouser-pirates," Frank said.

"We were expecting swashbucklers, not butt-bucklers."

A stunned contingent of reporters stood in silence as the Hardy brothers continued an embittered attack on their father.

"We never saw [Fenton Hardy] out there on the bay hunting these guys," Frank said.

"Who was he anyway? Fenton Hardy - BIG MAN!"

"'Oh... go on kids. Go on... my... own... flesh and blood. Go off to Smuggler's Cove and catch some drug-smugglers'."

"Well guess what, Dad? They weren't drug-smugglers - they were goddamn bone-smugglers."

Joe Hardy then shocked reporters with a vitriolic attack on his own brother.

"Yeah, well..." Joe Hardy said. "You'd think that an older brother would keep an eye out for the well being his younger brother."

"But this bastard may as well have held me up for human sacrifice."

"He kept saying to them, 'Look at Joe. Look as his blonde hair and little pink mouth.' Yeah, well thanks Frank. I think they'd found my little pink mouth already, you bastard."

Despite their handsome faces and adventurous natures, neither Hardy brother ever married, both reporting that the events on Smuggler's Cove had rendered them emotionally fragile and unable to form intimate bonds with women.

Frank Hardy's former girlfriend, Callie Shaw, 49. Told reporters she and Frank had been intimate once soon after Frank's 18th birthday, but the experience had been "weird".

"He talked a lot during it, but weird stuff like he was angry at me," Shaw said.

"Joe and Chet were in the next room at the time and I was worried they could hear."

"But it sounded like the same kind of thing was going on in there too. I don't know what they were fighting about. Probably a girl they both liked or something."

The Hardy Boys plan to return to Smuggler's Cove "within the month".

Dr Andi Angelico told reporters she was "pleased, but anxious" the Hardy brothers had taken her advice to heart.

"It's important they face these demons," she said.

"But I'm a bit worried about the level of anger and homophobia they both carry." 'Butt-buckler'? 'Bone-smuggler'? Those aren't terms I'd associate with forgiveness and letting go."

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'Terrible flirt' is actually 'terrible' flirt

Morris Greene

Self-confessed 'terrible flirt', Kane Rosney, 27, is actually a 'terrible' flirt according to friends Julia Cherry, 24, and Jason Jefferies, 29, who claim to be continually embarrassed by Rosney's behaviour towards young women at social gatherings.

'It's weird,' said Cherry. 'He thinks he's Don Juan de Marco with women, but he's really much more Juan Antonio Samaranch.'

Jefferies agreed, saying that Rosney was 'charmless beyond all comprehension' and may well go sexless for another fourteen months. It is believed that Rosney has not had sexual contact with a woman since May 13, 2005.

'He's plain insulting to [women],' said Jefferies. 'I shiver when I hear what he's saying to girls at parties. He's not a bad guy, but when he's trying to impress he comes off as Mr Psycho-fruitcake-stalker, yet with an arrogance that is just incredible.'

Cherry told reporters she has heard Rosney in action and feels 'genuine concern' for the well being of the women he is talking to.

'Once, at this party, I heard him telling this girl that he had a huge cock and that it was all for her - real dipshit stuff. But we went skinny-dipping once when we were all completely trashed. He's just got an average cock. I mean, what if the girl says yes? Where's he gonna pull this monster cock from? He's completely clueless.'

Rosney appeared to be dumbfounded by his friend's criticism.

'I get my share, don't you worry about that,' he told reporters. 'Once the ladies hear about the 'Kane Train' they all want to climb aboard for the ride of their life. Last week, I got a phone number from this gorgeous chickadee at a party. There's something up with her phone, but I'm sure it'll get sorted out soon. Bloody Telstra.'

Rosney sees no problem with his flirtatious nature, claiming that 'women love it' when he teases them until they 'go gooey at the fork'.

Cherry and Jefferies expressed dismay at Rosney's chosen terms of expression.

'Did he really say 'gooey at the fork'?' Cherry asked reporters. 'Christ almighty. That's it - I officially disown that man.'

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